My Sweet Secret Wasteland
by ScreamingSatellite
Summary: College AU. Axel's roommate Saix has been trying to come between him and his self-medication for months. Naturally, it's not working. When Axel meets Xion, Zexion, and Demyx, he feels that things have started to come together... Little does he know they've only yet to fall apart. Akushi. Language. M to be safe.
1. Abrupt and Ungraceful

Chapter One: Abrupt and Ungraceful

_I hate what I've become / The nightmare's just begun_

_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_(Skillet)_

Axel sat in the transient, fading darkness of his dorm room, the only light cast by the slight glow in the window at his side. He stared down at his hand, in which he cupped a small cluster of rounded, white pills. He'd been contemplating them for hours on end, as he did almost every night now. He glanced out the window one more time and then looked back at his hand, closing it into a fist and lifting it toward his mouth.

At that moment, the door opened and light poured into the room, revealing a silhouette in the doorway. Axel drew his fist away from his mouth and shoved it down against the sheets next to him in an attempt to hide it from the gaze of his roommate.

"Axel, what are you doing?" a voice snapped.

The lights went on, and Axel squinted against the sudden brightness. "Damn, Saïx, you said you weren't gonna be back until eight." With the hand that wasn't full of pills, he rubbed his eyes.

"Hell if that matters," Saïx answered. "What have you been doing for the last twelve hours? How many of these have you swallowed?" He crossed the room to where Axel sat and grabbed his wrist, shaking out the handful of pills, scattering them over the floor. When Axel didn't answer, he continued. "How long has this been going on, Axel?"

"I didn't take any," Axel muttered, averting his eyes. "I was just thinking about it. I didn't take any."

"Lies," Saïx answered. "Are you even listening to yourself, Axel? You sound wasted."

"Whatever."

Abruptly, Saïx hauled Axel up from the edge of the bed where he sat and examined him. The redhead was dressed in all black as usual, black sweatpants and a black hoodie. Saïx immediately went to work undressing him, jacket first, searching his pockets for more medication.

"The hell are you doing?" Axel demanded as Saïx pulled his jacket off, exposing his whole upper body to the freezing temperatures of the room. "Give that back."

"Where are you hiding your damn pills?" Saïx demanded, tossing the jacket back at Axel. He turned to the desk next to the window and threw open the drawers, digging in them for the little amber bottles of prescription medication. He found only mountains of notebooks, paper, and pens. Annoyed, he stalked across the room and opened the bathroom door.

"Saïx!" Axel shouted and raced after him. Saïx slammed the door in his face.

With the door closed, Saïx began going through drawers again. At the back of the bottom drawer, he finally found what he was looking for: three of the yellow-orange bottles of pills, narcotics, painkillers—plus two containers of Tylenol. Most of them were half-empty, or emptier. He dug through the cabinet next to the drawer until he found a plastic bag and threw the five bottles into it, tying off the bag with two knots.

He opened the bathroom door again. It hit Axel in the face mid-arc, and he stumbled back against the wall, crying out in pain.

"Saïx! What the hell was that—"

Saïx grabbed his arm and dragged him toward the door of the dorm room. "Axel, you don't get to do this anymore. I'm taking you to the infirmary."

"No way," Axel said, wrenching his arm from Saïx's grip. "You're not taking me anywhere. I didn't take any of those goddamn pills." He reached for the bag that Saïx held in his hand, but Saïx jerked it away. "What if I have a headache, you bastard? What if I need that damn Tylenol? What're you gonna do then, huh?"

"I'll get you some myself." Saïx gripped Axel's arm again, this time not letting go. "Come on. Infirmary. Now."

He dragged Axel out the door and down the hall, and then down a couple of flights of stairs before they hit the lowest level of the building. There, he found the door to the dormitory's infirmary. It didn't stand out from any of the other doors on that floor, besides the fact that it had the word "Infirmary" stenciled across the wood in charcoal letters.

"Axel," Saïx began, expecting a protest from the redhead, but when he looked over, he realized that he had caught his roommate just in time to watch his eyes roll back in his head and his weight transfer abruptly and ungracefully to the ground. He threw the bag of pills to the ground in a rage. "Goddamn it, Axel! Get up!"

As he screamed at the redhead, shaking his shoulders in an attempt to revive him, the door opened, and another figure stepped out into the hall. Saïx recognized him immediately, with his black clothing and slightly silver hair swept over one of his eyes. It was Zexion, the stand-in medic for the dormitory. Though he was still a student, he worked in place of Vexen, their school's other medic, because Vexen couldn't be everywhere at once.

"Trouble?" Zexion asked, looking down at Saïx and Axel, tangled on the floor in front of the infirmary.

"Yes," Saïx growled. "It's Axel."

"Did he OD again?" Zexion continued. His voice stayed steady despite the desperate nature of the situation in front of him.

"Probably." Saïx rubbed his face with his hands. "These are all the pills I found in his drawer. I've been gone all night, and I don't know what he's taken." He threw the plastic bag at Zexion.

Zexion caught it. He stared at the knots that Saïx had tied in the handles for a minute before finally deciding to resort to tearing the bag open. He ignored the sight of the Tylenol and instead removed the smaller bottles from the bag, examining their contents.

"These are… painkillers?" he asked.

Saïx nodded.

"Help me get him up. We can interrogate him once we get him in there." Zexion curled the bag of medications under his arm and walked over to where Axel lay on the floor. Together, the two of them lifted him from the floor and brought him into the infirmary, where they could lay him down on one of the beds.

At first they stood around him and watched him, but when he didn't stir at all, Zexion and Saïx moved away from Axel, and Zexion pulled one of the curtains around the bed so that any random passersby wouldn't immediately see him if they walked in.

"Are you sure this isn't a job for Vexen?" Saïx asked warily.

"I don't know yet," Zexion admitted.

He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest, while Saïx crossed the room and sat in a chair a few feet away from Axel. Minutes passed in silence. No one stirred, and no one entered the infirmary. After a while, Zexion turned to a desk in the corner and opened one of the drawers, sifting through its contents.

"Saïx," he finally called across the room.

"Yes?"

"Go across the hall and get me some water—please."

Saïx left the room without a word. The only sound in the room was that of the door closing.

Zexion pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose. Just as he had closed his eyes, he heard the sound of someone stirring against sheets just across the room, accompanied by a few acute curses. He pushed his desk chair aside and moved through the room in only a couple of strides.

He pulled the curtain back and found Axel sitting up straight, his hair sticking out at even worse angles than usual, his face drained of color and coated in a sheen of sweat. He had clenched his hands into fists, around the pristine white sheets draped over him.

"You're alive," Zexion observed.

"Tell Saïx _thanks_," Axel spat.

"Damn straight I will. If he hadn't brought you here, you would be dying in your dorm room right now."

"Dammit," Axel moaned, leaning back against the bed frame, "why does this dorm even have an infirmary?"

"Clearly it's because of people like you," Saïx's voice said. Zexion looked up and saw him entering through the infirmary's door, a glass of water in his hand. He set it down on the table beside Axel hard enough that water sloshed over the edge. "If you could just keep those goddamned pills out of your mouth, you wouldn't be here."

"You _interrupted _me," Axel returned. "That's the problem. If you hadn't come in until eight, I could have gotten the last dose over with, and then I wouldn't be all anxious and shaking like I just got electrocuted."

"Right," Saïx answered. "Instead you would be completely unconscious, on the floor of your dorm room, as if you had gone into a coma."

"Comas are much more fun," Axel informed him.

Saïx shook his head. "If it's that bad, you might as well just dig yourself a grave and sleep there every night."

Axel raised a hand and casually flipped him off.

* * *

_A/N: So I'm aware that what I'm writing about is an actual issue, but in putting it into a fanfiction... I feel like I changed the dynamics of its seriousness. It didn't happen on purpose... but there it is._

_If you, therefore, have anything to comment about what I write, whether that's positive or negative, I would not be opposed to hearing it. This isn't my normal genre, and so any feedback is appreciated, even if you just want to tell me that I'm way off track. TRUST ME, I WANNA KNOW._

_Okay, so with that said, this is it. I'm warning you now, this story will contain continuous references to substance abuse, language, Akushi, and Zemyx (I've never written them before, so that's another warning in itself)._

_That's all for now. See you in the next chapter..._


	2. Loose Electrical Wire on 10,000 Volts

Chapter Two: Loose Electrical Wire on 10,000 Volts

Saïx convinced Axel to go back to class three hours later. Their morning classes weren't the same, and Axel debated going back to his dorm to retrieve his last dose of the right kind of pills, but he came to the conclusion that he didn't have enough time and continued on his way.

Before he reached the building, a pair of arms snagged his waist from behind and pulled him back. He turned his head a few degrees to catch a glimpse of the perpetrator and saw a familiar face. A _very _familiar face.

"Larxene…," he murmured.

"Don't get any ideas," she snapped, shoving him away. "Saïx told me what you did last night. I don't have any intention to sleep with a guy who has to drug himself into unconsciousness every night. You can just kiss that idea goodbye."

"I can deal with that," Axel muttered and leaned around to press his lips to hers, but she dodged.

"No, I didn't mean that _literally,_ you asshole. What I'm saying," she said, drawing the words out and looking him in the eye, "is that we're done. This is too much."

"You're kidding right now, right, Larx?" Axel asked, holding out his hands. "You wouldn't actually believe something Saïx made up about me, would you?"

"He didn't fucking _make it up_," Larxene retorted. "He showed me the evidence and everything. Told me about Zexion's part in it, too."

"That's bull…," Axel began, but Larxene looked away, the pain clear on her face. "You don't actually want to break up with me," he hypothesized. "You just want it not to be true."

"Wrong," Larxene contradicted, turning around.

"How can you say that?" Axel demanded. "Look at your goddamn face, Larxene. You look like you're gonna cry at any moment. You don't wanna do this. Who the hell're you trying to fool?"

"I'm not fooling anyone, Axel," she told him. "You're the one who's fooling. And the worst part is, the person you're trying to fool is yourself."

She walked away, leaving him to stammer to himself and stare after her. Shaking his head, he forced himself to look away from her and continue walking to his first class.

He couldn't concentrate. While the professor gave the day's lecture, Axel stared at his notes, drawing various sketches between the lines. When he looked at them from an angle, he realized they heavily resembled the lines of a heart monitor, beating on either side of the page and flatlining in the middle. He scribbled violently over the pictures, drawing stares from a few of the students in the rows around him. He pretended not to notice and made another attempt at paying attention to the lecture on the next page.

His hand shook like a loose electrical wire on ten thousand volts. In the end, he clenched his hand into a fist and gave up.

The guy next to him leaned over. Axel pretended not to notice until he heard a voice say, "Hey, are you okay?"

Axel debated whether to answer for a moment, but in the end, he muttered out of the side of his mouth, "Not really." After a second, he continued, "You want to give me a copy of your notes?"

"Yeah, no prob, man."

"Thanks." When the guy faced forward again, Axel chanced a look at him. He had blond hair that was full of gel and stuck up toward the ceiling. With a jolt, Axel realized who he was talking to—this was _Zexion's_ friend, Demyx. He gritted his teeth and turned back to the lecture.

When the period ended, Demyx stood up, gathering stray sheets of notes into his notebook. "Hey, come with me to the student center and I can get you those copies."

"Sure," Axel said, throwing his own supplies into his backpack and slinging it over one shoulder. He followed Demyx out of the lecture hall.

"So, um…" he began as they walked, "you know… Zexion?"

Demyx laughed. "Oh, Zexion? 'Course I know him. We're pretty good friends, actually."

"Well, that's… good to know." Axel ran a hand through his hair.

"Why d'you ask?" Demyx questioned.

"No reason, actually," Axel ventured. Demyx didn't seem to recognize him or know about the episodes Zexion had brought him through, and if Zexion hadn't told him anything, Axel wasn't going to volunteer the information. "I was just curious."

"I guess you know Zexion, then."

"Sort of," Axel said. "I mean, you know—my roommate knows him, too."

"Ah, one of those 'I know a guy who knows a guy' type of things," Demyx answered with a laugh.

Axel breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been right. Zexion hadn't told Demyx anything.

"So, um…" Demyx paused.

"It's Axel," Axel filled in for him.

"Right. Axel." Demyx stopped to open the door of the student center. "How long you been here, anyway?"

"I'm a junior," Axel said. "You?"

"Hey, same here," Demyx answered. "Zexion is, too. He lives here 'cause he's got a work study thing with the infirmary."

_Because I didn't know that,_ Axel wanted to say. "I don't really know why I'm still stuck here, honestly. I guess because I haven't found a roommate who'd live off campus."

"Ooh, no fun." Demyx stopped again, this time to swipe his ID on one of the copy machines. He took his notes out of his backpack again and made a few quick copies before handing them to Axel. When their eyes met again, Demyx's expression changed. "Hey, aren't you the one I always see with Larxene?"

Axel's mouth went dry as he took the notes from the blond. "Um… I mean… Probably." He gave an uneasy laugh and spread his hands. "We were together… for a while."

Demyx raised an eyebrow. "For a while? You mean you're… not… anymore?"

"Actually," Axel admitted, "she just broke up with me. Like, right before that lecture."

"Oh. Shit," Demyx replied. "Sorry I asked."

"Whatever, it's not a problem," Axel replied. He twisted to shove the copies of the blond's notes into his own backpack, accidentally crumpling several of the pages in the process. As he withdrew his hand, his fingers brushed against a few of the extra amber containers he kept in his backpack for emergencies. Thank God Saïx hadn't found those. Axel had returned to his dorm room this morning to find that Saïx had, in fact, confiscated most of the pills in the bathroom while he was unconscious. He could definitely use some right now.

"You sure it's not a problem?" Demyx asked. "You look kinda like you wanna kill someone, actually."

"I'll get over it." Axel centered his backpack on his shoulders again and forced a grin. "Let's face it. Larxene isn't really the most dateable girl out there, anyway."

Demyx laughed. "Can't argue. But—don't say you already have someone else in mind."

"No," Axel corrected quickly. "Maybe."

"Damn, man," Demyx answered.

"I don't," Axel told him. "You, though—what about you?"

"Oh, well, about that…" Demyx began.

"Hmm?" Axel prompted.

"Yeeeeaaah, um, not really a conversation I wanna have right now," Demyx sighed. "Sorry, bro. I should get to class."

"You have another class this soon?" Axel asked.

"Actually, I do. See you in lecture tomorrow," the blond said and waved as he dashed off toward his next class.

"Later," Axel mumbled under his breath. As he turned to leave the student center, he half wondered what Demyx had meant by a conversation he didn't really want to have. How bad could it have been? He wasn't dating Larxene or something, was he? But no, he'd agreed that Larxene wasn't all that desirable, and it was unlikely that anyone would have stolen Larxene from him so soon after she'd broken up with him.

He sighed and stopped at the door, where he reached into his backpack again and extracted a small white pill. He swallowed it without water, praying that the anti-anxiety effects would kick in as fast as possible. He could still feel his hands shaking and his pulse racing.

As he slipped his backpack over his shoulders, taking a deep breath to let his system accept the chemicals, the door swung open and smacked him in the face.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, trying to move in the opposite direction of the door, but as his back was against the wall, there was nowhere to move.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," a voice said from the other side of the door. When Axel looked to see to whom the voice belonged, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

Because who would stand in the space in front of him, after having slammed the door quite literally in his face, but a girl?

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for reading, if you've read this far... I don't really know what compelled me to go this way in terms of pairing... But anyway._

_Review if you feel like it! :D_


	3. A Familiar, Artificial Relaxation

Chapter Three: A Familiar, Artificial Relaxation

A girl stood in front of him, her blue eyes full of concern, her short black hair framing her face. She was about a head shorter than he was—and she was _gorgeous._ He almost couldn't believe he was standing this close to her.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Um… no. That hurt my face. But I'll forgive you," Axel said, "because you're beautiful."

"Oh—what?"

"Nothing. I didn't say anything," he amended. "Sorry—what was your name, again?"

She smiled. "I never told you what it was." At first he thought she'd stop there, walk away, leave him behind and never speak to him again, but instead she told him, "I'm Xion."

"Xion," he repeated. "I'm—uh, I'm Axel."

"Axel," she began, one hand drifting to her hip, "what were you doing standing behind the door like that?"

"I was… uh… I was…" Axel stammered. "Waiting for someone, yeah. But I don't think they'll show up."

"A girl, I bet." She smiled again.

_Oh my God, if she doesn't stop doing that, I'm gonna freaking melt, _Axel thought. "Well, now that you mention it," he began, forcing a smile back, "I didn't realize I was waiting for any particular girl, until you showed up."

She laughed, and he watched the blush spread across her face. "Riiiight."

He could feel the effects of the medication setting in. His hands had stopped shaking, and he felt a familiar but artificial relaxation spreading through his limbs, weighing them down and making them feel warm. The chaos in his head had subsided. "I'm guessing you have to go back to class."

"Yeah." She looked down at her shoes, as though she was reluctant to leave.

"Sorry to hold you up."

"Oh, it's no problem," Xion reassured him, shaking her head.

"Hey, what year are you?" he asked suddenly, holding a hand up to forbid her from walking away just yet.

She blushed again. "Um—I'm a freshman."

"Ahh." He grinned. "I see."

"Well, I'll see you later, Axel," she said and turned to face the rest of the student center.

"You can call me any time, Xion," he called after her with a wave.

Seconds later, of course, he realized she hadn't asked for his number.

* * *

"God_dammit_!" Axel exclaimed, pushing the door to his dorm room open so hard that it slammed back into the opposite wall and bounced back, almost hitting him in the face and causing a repeat of the incident earlier that day.

"What's your problem this time, Axel?" Saïx asked from where he sat at his desk across the room, several textbooks spread out in front of him.

"Well, you see, Larxene kind of broke up with me, and then I got hit in the face by a door, and after that I met this really attractive girl, but since you didn't let me take the rest of my meds—"

"Are you really going to bring everything back to that?" Saïx asked, slamming his hand down on the desk. "You do realize that if I _had _let you take the rest of those pills, you could very well still be unconscious, or in a coma, or worse."

"All right, all right, point taken." Axel sighed. "Anyway, I felt really jittery and I didn't know what the hell I was saying."

Saïx's scowl morphed into a smirk. "Somehow I don't think the drugs had anything to do with that."

Axel laughed. The only problem was, once he started, he couldn't stop.

"You're insane," Saïx told him before turning back to his homework.

"No, no, listen," Axel said when he could find the breath to do so. "Saïx, come on. We were friends once, yeah?"

Saïx licked his lips and leaned on the desk sideways, his elbow falling into the crease between textbook pages. "Well, Axel, I would still consider you a friend—if I didn't have to carry your unconscious body to Zexion _every single day._"

"Whatever. Anyway." Axel looked up at the ceiling, his eyes developing a dreamy shine. "You wouldn't happen to know a Xion, would you?"

"Xion?" Saïx asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Xion. That was her name. Isn't it just the prettiest name?" Axel asked. "I can't believe I said all that stuff. I'm surprised she didn't walk out on me. Or refuse to apologize for slamming the door literally in my face. What the hell—I'd get a hundred doors slammed in my face if she was the one behind all of them. No, not a hundred. A thousand maybe. A hundred thousand!" He threw his arms out to his sides.

Saïx stood up from his desk chair and put his hands on Axel's shoulders. He pushed the redhead sharply against the wall and looked him straight in the eye.

"You're not clean," he stated, clenching his teeth. "You're way above sea level. I don't think there's enough oxygen up there."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Axel asked him, trying to struggle out of his grasp. It didn't work—Saïx had him pinned.

"It means you're so high that you don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm not high," Axel protested. "I'm perfectly okay."

"Then where's this euphoric shit you're saying coming from?" Saïx demanded.

"Like I said," Axel told him. "I met a girl. She was beautiful."

Saïx sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. "Are you sure you didn't hallucinate her? I don't know anyone by the name of Xion."

"Saïx, give me a minute, okay?" Axel asked. "I need to reflect on what's just happened to me."

His roommate rolled his eyes. "We're going to Zexion."

"_No_," Axel said, dragging out the word and holding his hands up in front of him. "I told you I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

Saïx grabbed Axel's arm and dragged him out the door, though the redhead kept up a string of protests.

* * *

Zexion rolled his eyes when the door to the infirmary opened. Saïx made a face in response and jerked his head toward Axel, who was totally oblivious.

"What's wrong this time, Axel?" Zexion said loudly.

"Hell, I don't know. I think Saïx just wanted someone to come with him to the infirmary so he could talk to you about his feelings. I mean illnesses. Yeah, that's right, _illnesses_."

Saïx gave a short shake of his head, and Zexion sighed. "Axel, sit down." When the redhead didn't obey, Saïx put a hand on his chest and shoved him backward in the direction of one of the cots. He stumbled backward and fell onto it.

"What's your problem?" he demanded.

"That's what we were trying to ask _you_—" Saïx began, but Zexion jerked him back, and he trailed off midsentence.

"Axel, you need to stop doing this," Zexion commanded.

"I didn't _do_ anything."

"Don't make me give you a blood test again."

"Oh, God, not that," Axel responded, jolting back as if by instinct.

"So do you agree that you'll try to stop doing this?" Zexion tried again.

"I would if there was anything to stop doing."

"I'm going to have to bring in Vexen if you keep this up."

"Why don't you just let me go so you can treat people with actual injuries?" Axel asked. "The only reason I'm causing you a problem right now is because Saïx _brought _me here. And besides, he stole all of my goddamn medications."

"With good reason," Saïx put in.

"If he took all of your medications," Zexion asked, "then why did he have to bring you here?"

"I don't know."

"What I mean is—where did you get more?"

"That's the point," Axel said, spreading his hands as though it was obvious. "There's nowhere for me to get any more. So let me go, and this whole entire conversation will be over."

Saïx and Zexion both sighed at the same time.

"He's completely freaking high," Saïx said through his teeth to Zexion. "You should have heard what he was saying to me earlier."

"Speaking of that," Axel said, a grin spreading across his face, "Zexion, do you know anyone by the name of Xion?"

Zexion tipped his head to the side, studying Axel with a strange, unparalleled curiosity. "Actually," he answered, "Xion is… my sister."

Axel responded to this by bursting out laughing once again. "You see?" he said, turning to Saïx. "She exists. I didn't make her up." He stood up from the cot and walked toward the door. "Zexion, if you want to listen to Saïx, you'd better ask him about his _own_ problems, not mine. I think that's what he's really here for."

Before either of them could say anything in reply, he pushed open the door and stormed out.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry it's been a while. Too much school. Anyway, thanks for the follows and favorites to those of you who contributed them, and I hope you're still enjoying this story. :)_

_Anyway, feel free to review and tell me how I'm doing. Until next time!_


	4. Excuse Me, But Are You Okay?

Chapter Four: Excuse Me, But Are You Okay?

He was quickly going lucid.

Axel sat in the library, glaring through half-open eyelids at a computer screen and lethargically maneuvering the mouse back and forth, letting it drift to links and clicking on them. He could feel the lightness of the medication wearing off and the darkness that was his mind setting in.

He'd made it out of the infirmary without a scratch, but he had a feeling Saïx and Zexion would be back for him. He also remembered next to nothing from the conversation they'd been having, and realized that they were probably on to him by now.

As he leaned down to reach into his backpack for the medication he needed, he heard a voice at his side that made him freeze.

"Oh, hey, Axel."

He looked up and saw Xion leaning against the divider just behind his computer screen, her arms stretched out on the edge and her chin resting on her hands. Her head was tipped a little to the side, and a small smile had formed on her lips.

"Xion… Is that you?"

"Who else would it be?"

He cleared his throat. "What're you doing over here?"

"I work here," Xion told him.

"No, I mean—if you work here, why are you talking to me? Shouldn't you be—putting books on the shelves or something equally monotonous?"

"Maybe, but I'd rather talk to you for a little bit. You looked kind of lonely."

Axel felt a blush race across his cheeks. "Oh."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with being lonely," Xion said. "This job makes me lonely."

"How often are you here?" Axel asked casually, leaning toward her a little.

"Every day," she said with a shrug. "After lunch. And then I come back at seven."

"Is that right?" he replied, half a smile pulling at his lips.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Xion asked in response.

"It means I'll be here to keep you company, if you want. My roommate's no fun to be around anyway. He's kind of an ass sometimes." Axel shrugged.

"So I'm your excuse to get away from your roommate," Xion summed up, making a face.

"That's, uh… not what I meant." Axel's head dropped forward onto the desk. "Man, if it's gonna be like this every time I talk to you, you'd be better off hiding behind the shelves."

"Are you kidding?" Xion said. "I always hide behind the shelves. Having someone to talk to would be a nice change."

"Well, in that case, I'm—" Axel began.

A voice from across the room cut him off midsentence. "Xi, what're you doing? Roxas is looking all over for you!"

Axel turned his head and saw a girl about Xion's size, wearing white sweats and sporting a head of short, bleached-blonde hair. She had bright blue eyes just like Xion, but somehow she wasn't nearly as stunning.

"I thought Roxas didn't get out of class until three," Xion answered. She had turned her attention away from Axel and now looked at the blonde. "Why's he looking for me?"

"He told me he thought you were going to be in the courtyard outside the student center an hour ago, and when he couldn't find you there, he freaked out," the other girl informed her. "I thought you might be here working… Thanks to him, I'm gonna be late for studio art."

"How do you expect to do studio art in those blindingly white clothes, Naminé?" Xion laughed.

"Well, for starters, there are smocks…" The other girl, apparently named Naminé, sighed. "I'll tell Roxas you're working, but you should probably go to him as soon as you can. And—no offense, but—I don't think he'd like to see you talking to people like _him_." She dropped her voice, probably under the impression that Axel couldn't hear her, but he could. And the jerk of the head in his direction gave it away completely.

To his surprise, Xion replied, "It's really none of his business, or yours. I'll talk to him when I'm done with work. Go on. You don't wanna be late for art."

Naminé shrugged. "Okay, see you later."

Once she was out of earshot, Axel leaned forward again. "Who was that?"

"That was Naminé," Xion said. "A close friend of mine."

"And what about this Roxas guy?" Axel wondered aloud.

"Roxas?" Xion asked absently. "My boyfriend." She glanced off toward the rest of the library.

_Shiiiit!_ Axel barely managed to keep his profanity inside his head. _Why's she gotta have a boyfriend already? It figures._ He could feel himself sinking deeper into the darkness. No. He needed Xion to go so he could get another dose out of his backpack.

Instead he opted to talk his way out of it. "Your boyfriend, huh?" he asked. "He sounds kind of… protective."

Xion looked off into the distance. "He's always protected me," she said.

"Well, yeah, but listen," Axel said, dropping his voice and leaning further forward. "Your friend Naminé there just said he wouldn't want you to talk to people like me. Don't you think that's a little _too_ protective? You don't even know me."

"You're right about that," Xion said, her gaze hardening into a glare. She rose up from where she leaned on the edge of the desk. "I don't really know you. So maybe we shouldn't be having this conversation. I'll see you later."

She turned and walked away, and Axel slumped over, resting his head on his arms. He'd gone too far too fast. He shouldn't have said any of that.

He slid one of his hands into his backpack without bothering to sit up and closed his fingers around one of the bottles. Finally he sat up and, checking around him to make sure no one was watching, he lifted the container onto the desk and poured a few of the pills into his hand. One by one he swallowed them dry before slipping the bottle back into his backpack. He laid his head back down on the desk again and closed his eyes, trying not to replay in his head the words he'd just exchanged with Xion.

A few minutes passed. He could feel the medication working its way into his head and his blood. A numbing fog had started to creep up on his thoughts, pushing out the dark but at the same time throwing a strange sheen over his reality. Why hadn't he gone back to his dorm room to do this? If he didn't make it back sane, Saïx would have his head and Xion would know.

As quickly as he could, he gathered his belongings and left the desk he had occupied, heading for the door of the library. As he was on his way out the door, a figure turned the corner and ran dead-on into him.

"Axel!" a voice said. "Is that you? Aw, sorry, man. You okay?"

"Oh, oh… God… Doors are freaking cursed…" Axel moaned, backing away and covering his face with his hands. "God, I hate doors… Why do they exist…"

"Well, you kind of need to get in and out of buildings." Axel looked up to see Demyx standing just inside the door with one hand on his hip. "You serious?" he asked after a minute. "Jeez, Axel. Get a handle on it, man."

"Sorry." Axel shook his head, trying to rid his sight of the fog. "Yeah, I dunno. I don't feel great. I'm goin' back to my…"

He had looked over Demyx's shoulder for just a split second and caught a full view of the library, where in one corner Xion's stunning eyes were turned toward him. He trailed off and stared in her direction until she turned away and disappeared.

"What is it?" Demyx looked over his shoulder but didn't see anything. "Maybe you should stop by the infirmary instead. You don't look too great. I'm sure Zexion or Vexen would be happy to take care of you."

"Are you kidding? Zexion probably wants me to pay his freaking _rent_." Axel realized too late that Demyx didn't have any idea about the episodes that went on between him, Zexion, and Saïx. "I mean—yeah, never mind. Look, I gotta go," he said and turned to leave before Demyx could ask him any more questions.

Once he had successfully made it out the door to the library, he broke into a run and dashed across the courtyard, dodging sets of tables and chairs until he couldn't take it anymore and broke down, collapsing into a chair and sucking air like he hadn't breathed in a year.

After a moment, even through the fog of antidepressants, he sensed that something was off. He turned his head to the side and saw another figure sitting across the table from him, looking at him like he had just come through a portal to another world. He had scrutinizing blue eyes and blond hair.

"Um, excuse me, but are you…" the guy began.

Rather than answering, Axel held out a hand, signaling for him to stop. He held his other hand against his forehead, trying to ward off the headache he could feel approaching. But he couldn't hold it off for long, and soon enough, his vision darkened and his head hit the table again, giving way to darkness.

* * *

_A/N: Oh man... I went way too long without updating again. I apologize._

_And... I thought someone had posted a review here a while ago, but I can't find it now... So if you posted a review and I accidentally deleted it, I'm sorry. If no one did, then I'm still sorry, because I'm making things up. :P_

_I'll try not to go AWOL for so long next time... But I can't make any promises._


	5. Past Effing Tense

Chapter Five: Past Effing Tense

Axel woke up in the infirmary. His first instinct was to fire off as many curse words as he could think of. That was, of course, before he realized Zexion and Vexen were standing right beside him.

"That was impressive," Zexion said dryly.

"Thanks, man," Axel grunted in reply, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "What the hell happened? Who was that guy?"

"That _guy_," Zexion said, leaning down and hissing the words into Axel's ear, "was my sister's _boyfriend._ He was the one who alerted me to the fact that you were passed out at a random table in the freaking middle of campus."

"Musta been him," Axel muttered. "He probably cast some sort of friggin' magic spell on me while I was there."

"Magic doesn't exist, Axel," Zexion said.

"That's what you think," Axel shot back, with all the conviction of an illogical five-year-old, before Vexen waved a hand to quiet the both of them.

"Axel, if this continues, I'll need to report you to the administration," Vexen said.

"It wasn't the damn pills," Axel exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air. "I told you, Saïx took all of those. They're not on me anymore. I was just tired. Maybe it was withdrawal or somethin'…"

"If that's so," Zexion shot back, "then what are these?"

He reached down—with dismay Axel realized his backpack sat on the ground next to him—and pulled out the exact bottle of pills that Axel had depended on during his time in the library.

"Fuck," he sighed, leaning back.

"Looks like we've found the culprit," Zexion sighed, shaking his head and staring at the bottle. "Antidepressants… Axel, where are you getting all of these?"

"None of your business."

"That's not an answer."

"None of your _fucking _business."

"Shall we go ask Saïx?" Zexion turned to Vexen.

"He doesn't know, either." Axel crossed his arms. "Why don't you just let me go?"

"Because you're still overdosed on however the hell many pills you took," Zexion shot back. Vexen put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back, sensing that the other medic was beginning to lose his temper.

"We'll have to keep you here until the medication is out of your system," Vexen explained. "And also until all of said medications have been eliminated from your… personal belongings."

"God, you're invasive," Axel muttered. Vexen glared at him, while Zexion turned away.

"By the way," the younger medic added, "there's someone who wants to see you."

"Yeah?" Axel replied. "Are you gonna make him wait 'til I'm sober too?"

Zexion opened the door, and the blond boy from the table just outside the student center stepped in.

"Oh, yeah, I recognize you," Axel said.

The blond boy looked uncomfortable. He ran a hand through his hair and shifted his weight a little, but he didn't say anything.

"Axel, this is Roxas," Zexion said. "He called on us when he found you passed out at a table."

Axel laughed. "Actually, I sat down at _his _table and then passed out."

Zexion turned to the blond boy—_Roxas. _Xion's boyfriend, Axel reminded himself. _That overprotective, controlling little bastard of a boyfriend. _"Sorry," Zexion muttered under his breath. "He's still jacked up on pills. He doesn't really know what he's saying."

Roxas blinked.

"I know you know I know what I'm talking about," Axel told him in an almost singsong voice. "Anyway, sorry you didn't get to see Xion there, man. I'm sure she didn't really mind anyway. She had me to talk to."

Roxas's expression contorted, but he didn't say anything. Zexion shook his head. "Axel, who do I need to bring in here to get you to shut up? Saïx? Maybe Headmaster Xemnas?"

"I'll say whatever the hell I want," Axel responded.

"Both of you, calm down," Vexen interrupted. He grabbed Zexion by the forearm and dragged him toward the door, ignoring the other medic's protests. The door slammed, leaving Axel alone with the blonde—Xion's boyfriend, and the guy who had found him unconscious at a random table. Roxas.

"So what, are you gonna fly off the handle at me now?" Axel asked. "I'm waiting. Ready, go."

Roxas shifted his feet. "Um, I don't think that's really necessary—"

"No, no, seriously," Axel said. "Go on. Let's hear it. I wanna know all about how I shouldn't have talked to your girlfriend and I'm a goddamn loser and what I did was just out of line. Go. Go ahead."

"I said _that's not necessary._" Roxas looked him straight in the eye. "It's true, I don't like the idea of someone like you talking to Xion. But I'm guessing these two won't let you out of the infirmary for another year, so I don't think that's going to be an issue again."

"Oh, God," Axel answered, rubbing his forehead and letting out a slight laugh. "I gave you your damn chance, and you _took _it. That insult was like a blade straight to the heart. Or it would be, if I had a heart." He laughed.

Roxas shook his head. "What do you mean, _if_ you had a heart?"

"Listen to you. No wonder Xion dates you," Axel said. "You're adorable."

"It's called faith," Roxas snapped. "I don't think the worst of everyone, unlike you."

"Oh, but how could I think the worst of someone like Xion?" Axel sighed. "She's beautiful. She must be the purest person to exist… Unless you've had your say in that." He turned to glare at Roxas.

"I haven't done anything," Roxas said, holding his hands up as if in surrender.

"Of course you haven't. You child. Looking for the light everywhere you go, as if there isn't any darkness anywhere," Axel quipped.

Roxas shook his head. "Sorry, but Zexion was right. You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh no, Roxas, now you've done it. Now you've seen the darkness," Axel said with a shake of his head. "Now you've seen the void that occupies the space where my head should be. You'd better back off before it infects you and eats your thoughts."

Roxas backed up a couple of steps. "Do you know where Xion is? I mean—no, of course you don't. Never mind. I'll, uh… see you later."

"_What_? What was that?" Axel called after him. "Did you just tell me you wanted to see me again? Did I hear that right?"

"No," Roxas said before exiting the room and slamming the door.

"Would you look at yourself, making more enemies," a voice said from Axel's side. Axel turned to the right to see his roommate standing in the corner. Their eyes met and Saïx flicked his wrist, causing his hair to fan out behind him for a split second. When it fell back into place again, he was staring at the opposite wall rather than Axel.

"H-how long have you been there?" Axel asked, willing his heart to stop racing. His pulse wouldn't slow down, of course, not after his near-OD.

"A while." Saïx still didn't look at him.

"Saïx, I hate to say it, but…" Axel balled his hands into fists. "You're kind of scaring me. What the hell's going on?"

"That is _my_ line," Saïx snapped, whipping around to look at Axel. "You were the one who reminded me that we were friends. _Were. _Past effing tense. Now look at you. Sometimes I wonder why I bother."

"Saïx…" Axel squinted, looking at him. Part of him felt guilty for making his roommate worry. Another part of him was paranoid enough to try to figure out what Saïx's ulterior motives had to be.

"Come back and talk to me later when you're not _high_," Saïx snapped, and before Axel could find the words to respond, he turned and walked out of the room.

Axel closed his eyes in an attempt to forget the room around him and the events he'd witnessed in the past twenty-four hours. After a minute of thinking, he came to the conclusion that he just wanted to see Xion.

He took back that thought almost as soon as he let it come into his mind. No. No, he didn't want to see Xion. He'd messed things up with her completely during their last meeting—all that _accidentally_ insulting Roxas and everything. _Yeah. Accidentally._

No, he decided, he didn't want to think about her after all.

Saïx words crashed through his head, and he remembered the days that the two of them had spent as freshmen, going virtually everywhere together. Saïx had always teased him about wishing they'd never known each other, but that was only teasing, and only when Axel did something insufferably stupid. Now he feared that Saïx actually wanted to forget their friendship. _Like Larxene when she broke up with me, dammit, _he thought. He couldn't bear to have Saïx do almost the same thing to him.

And on top of that, when he really thought about it, he didn't even feel high anymore.

* * *

_A/N: I have been so so so so so so so so busy. I never anticipated having this much work EVER. Ahhh._

_Anyway, I have a break for a while, so I'm hoping to get some more writing in. Thanks for sticking with me! :D_


	6. Blaming It on the Withdrawal

Chapter Six: Blaming It on the Withdrawal

Axel went back to class the next day wondering if he'd lost Saïx and cursing Zexion for taking the last of his medication. Surely he had some more in his dorm somewhere. He could really have used something to fight off the depression that hung over him like a cloud. One that might decide to rain on him at any moment, he imagined, leaving him soaked to the bone. And probably screwing up the hairstyle he'd spent twenty minutes in front of the mirror fixing.

Saïx hadn't even stuck around to yell at him for taking over the goddamn bathroom like he did almost every morning. By the time Axel had dragged himself out of bed, his roommate had disappeared, leaving no trace of his presence. _He must have gotten up especially early in order to avoid running into me, _Axel thought bitterly.

He sat down in the lecture hall for his first class and looked at the screen at the front of the room. Upon seeing the words there, he tipped his head back and groaned.

"You forget to do the homework, man?" Demyx asked.

"No… I mean… Let's just go with yeah." Axel sighed. "Can you cover me? Help a brother, you know?"

Demyx laughed. "Yeah, I'd totally say yes except…" He shrugged. "I didn't do it either. Who ever heard of having homework in a lecture class? I thought you were just supposed to sit down, shut up, and take the damn test at the end."

"Demyx, how long have you been here?" Axel asked.

"You didn't know I'm a freshman?" Demyx laughed. "Just kidding. I'm with Zexion and you."

Axel felt the blood drain from his face. _Shit_. "Have you talked to Zexion lately?"

"Uh, yeah, why?" Demyx looked confused.

"Because," Axel said, fumbling for an explanation. "Because… uh… I mean… Does he ever talk to you about his patients, you know, at the infirmary?"

"Eh," Demyx said with a shrug of his shoulders, turning back to the screen. "Not really. I used to ask, but he always said he didn't want to think about it more than he had to."

"Oh." Axel tried hard to hide his sigh of relief.

"Why do you ask?" Demyx asked, still not looking at Axel.

"I dunno."

After class had ended, Axel picked up his stuff and shot out of his seat. "Man, I gotta go work on that homework," he said.

"I don't know if they'll even let you turn it in late, bro," Demyx said. "You might just have to take the hit."

"I'll give it a shot." Axel threw his backpack over one shoulder. _Plus, I have to have a reason to go to the library, so I can see… _"Hey, speaking of that, can I borrow your notes again? I think I missed some stuff."

"Well, yeah, but you have to bring them back to me before the end of today, so I can study them. I gotta run, but here's my notebook. If you lose it, I'm taking yours."

"Deal." Axel took Demyx's notes and tucked them under his arm. "Later."

"See you."

Axel took off for the library.

* * *

At his table in the library, Axel flipped open to the notes both he and Demyx had taken. He scanned Demyx's pages and discovered just how much of the lecture he actually had missed. Where in the hell had his concentration gone? He didn't dare blame it on yesterday's episode, so he settled on blaming it on his withdrawal. And on Xion.

Who happened, of course, to be leaning on his desk at that moment.

"Oh, hey, Xion… I didn't see you there," he fumbled. She opened her mouth to speak, but he interrupted her before she could say anything. "Can I apologize for yesterday? I mean, I didn't realize what I was really saying. No, scratch that, I meant—I didn't mean what I said. It came out way wrong. So I'm, uh, sorry," he stammered.

"It's okay," Xion answered. "I'm sorry, too. About snapping at you."

"Why on earth are you apologizing?" Axel laughed, shaking his head. "You didn't even do anything wrong. And besides, that face of yours makes up for everything."

Xion blushed. "What do you mean, my face makes up for everything?"

"Haven't I already told you?" Axel lowered his voice. "You're—"

"That's right," Xion interrupted, glancing away. "You told me."

"Thought I did," Axel agreed, leaning back in his chair. "But I'm willing to do it again."

"I don't think Roxas would appreciate that very much."

"Probably 'cause he already knows… Damn lucky bastard."

"What was that?" Xion eyed him suspiciously.

"I said that's probably true," Axel lied, grinning up at her. "Anyway, have you talked to Roxas since yesterday? He have anything new to share?"

"Not… not really." Xion bit her lip. Besides looking incredibly alluring, Axel realized, she also looked like she was hiding something. Damn. It figured Roxas had to tell her about that. But if she knew, then why was she coming to talk to him? That made absolutely no sense.

"Well," Axel said, "I don't either, so why are you talking to me?"

The nervous expression faded from Xion's face, and a small smile replaced it. "Well, I know it sounds strange, but I'm bored."

"Oh, God, no," Axel sighed. "That's the worst. I'm a last resort because you're bored, huh."

"I'm sorry—that's not what I meant at all," Xion said. "What I meant was—you're kind of the only person I know in this whole library."

_You don't know me._ "Shouldn't you be working?"

"No. I just finished. I don't have class for another few hours," Xion told him. "What about you? What's that you're working on?"

"Notes, from my last class," Axel muttered, looking down at his page of hastily scrawled notes next to Demyx's organized ones. "I missed some stuff from the last few sessions."

Xion leaned over the divider at the edge of his desk and squinted at the writing that crossed the two pages. "Whose notes are those?" she asked, tapping Demyx's notebook.

"This guy who sits next to me in that class—his name's Demyx," Axel answered.

"Demyx? I know him," Xion said, a thoughtful look crossing her face. "He's my brother's—friend."

Axel wasn't sure what she meant by the long pause between the words "brother's" and "friend," but he decided to let it slide. "Yeah, so I've heard. I—uh—know your brother."

"You know Zexion?" Xion asked, breaking into another smile. She closed her eyes and laughed. "Of course you do. He's in the same grade as you are."

"Yeah," Axel said, but his mind had already wandered to how beautiful she looked when she laughed like that.

"What do you think of him? Is he actually nice when he's not around me?" Xion continued.

"What do you mean?" Axel demanded, slamming his hand down on the desk so hard that a few heads turned to look at him. He pressed his lips together and lowered his voice. "Xion, how could anyone possibly be anything but nice to you?"

"He's my brother," Xion said easily. "He can afford not to be nice."

Axel shook his head, disbelieving. Changing the subject slightly, he added, "How did you two end up at the same school, anyway?"

"This one's close enough and affordable enough," Xion said. "Plus Zexion wants to transfer to the med school and eventually work around here somewhere."

"Well, that seems reasonable," Axel agreed, "but then why did you come here? You didn't take the chance to finally get away from him?"

"I didn't really care whether he was here. I wanted to come here," she answered. "Of my own accord."

"Brave," Axel muttered. He glanced back down at his notes. Truthfully, with her here, he'd almost forgotten that he needed meds. He'd almost been able to put yesterday's incident out of his mind. Almost. Had he not looked at Demyx's scratched-out writing on the desk in front of him, he probably would have been able to let it go completely.

With that thought, he slammed the notebook shut and looked up at Xion. "Hey, what do you say to going for a walk outside for a little while?"

"What?" Xion looked surprised. "Just the two of us?"

"Yeah," Axel said. "What do you think? Want to go?" He flashed a grin.

Xion hesitated. After a few seconds—during which Axel's palms started to sweat and he wondered whether he'd made a mistake and whether the gates of hell were going to open up under his chair—she shrugged and said, "Sure."

"Yes," Axel exclaimed. "I mean, great. Let's get outta here." He shoved both his and Demyx's notes into his backpack and threw the bag over his shoulder. Xion followed him as he set off for the library doors, feeling as if his feet didn't touch the ground.


End file.
